Out of the Woodwork They Crawl...

Judging by search engine phrases, all kinds of crazies visit my website. Usually they don't send me messages, however. But last night, I got my very first email from one of the more...interesting people who come to my website! In celebration, I shall share with you:

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Name: Bob McKenzie

Email: Robthemillwright@aol.com">Robthemillwright@aol.com

Comments: You are an idiot You are a lesbian and a man hater............You are one crazy human being
You are very sick. I wish you well and hope you get help soon.

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First of all, Bob, I might be an idiot, but I do understand the basics of punctuation. Periods, Bob. Periods. Use them after sentences like "You are an idiot," and "You are one crazy human being." (And just use one. Not sure what the ............ thing is all about. If you were going for an ellipsis, you would use three periods...like that.)

Second, how do you know I'm a lesbian and a man-hater? Clearly, you haven't read any of my blog posts, because if you had, you'd know that I write hero-centric romance. I don't know how many times I've made it clear that romance, to me, is ALL ABOUT THE MAN. I read and write romances because I like men. So I'm not sure on what you are basing this lesbian/man-hating thing.

Unless...are you psychic? (See how an ellipsis is used, Bob?) Because the fact that I'm a lesbian man-hater is a news to me. A total shock. I mean, you'd think I would know. But just to make sure, I asked my husband of ten years. He wasn't aware that I am a lesbian and man-hater, either.

Oh, and Bob, you really need to get out in the real world more. Just because someone is a lesbian doesn't mean they hate men. Mostly, they only hate men like you. And let me assure you that hating men like you isn't exclusive to lesbians.

Third, I'm thinking that perhaps you should be careful who you call crazy. Glass houses and all that.

Fourth, I think maybe you ARE psychic. Because I AM sick. I have a sore throat, headache, and neck pain. So thanks for the well-wishes. I'm sure I'll be better soon.

Fifth, I have to admit, your well-wishes do seem to be a little...insincere. See, if you truly wish someone well, the polite thing to do is NOT insult them first. Your whole email is contradictory. (Look up "contradictory" if you aren't sure what it means.)

Next time, either insult the person flat-out, or offer constructive comments. Don't make yourself look stupid by "wishing them well," after insulting them. Because really, you just come off as wishy-washy.

For example, you could write this:

"You are an idiot. (Don't forget the period.) You are a lesbian and a man hater. You are one crazy human being. You are very sick. I hope you burn in hell."

See? Much, much more effective than ending on "I wish you well."

Or:

"I noticed that you are slightly...mentally challenged. And from your web content and various blog entries, I'd guess that you lean a little toward loving women too much. Perhaps you aren't fond of men? I'm sorry that you are sick, and I'd like to recommend help for you. Below I'll list links that you may find useful."

Then list the links.

Anyway, thanks for the note, Bob.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005 @ 08:52 AM CST [link]

I'm Plotless and Topic-less

For the blog post, anyway.

Just a bunch of mish-mash since I'm anxious to get back to Snowbound.

First of all, I apologize if I haven't been visiting your blog recently. I've been so busy that I'm mostly only visiting a few each day, and I haven't spared the time to comment. So I'm probably reading, just not commenting much. I'll be sending SB off soon, and my husband is also leaving for a month on Saturday, so after that, I'll have some time again. (Not that he takes up my time in a bad way, of course.) *waves* Hi honey!

Remember back when I lived in Michigan and my neighbor kept trapping raccoons and I kept turning them loose when he wasn't looking?

Well, now I'm beginning to understand why he was trapping them. The little shits.

We have a raccoon. It's a scroungy, young thing, and it's discovered our bird feeder. Which is now a raccoon feeder. He sits on top of the fence and watches me while he sticks both hands into the feeder and pulls out food. He's obviously desperate for food, since he'll wait until I get pretty close before taking off. Little booger.

And speaking of boogers, my idiot cat, Felicks, is on an extra dose of Elavil now, since he's decided that he needs to tell me when my other cat (the diabetic one) is feeling sick. Know how he tells me? He pees on me. Just crawls into my lap and pees. On me. If it weren't for the drugs, he'd be living outside with the raccoon.

The other cat, Geordie, is doing great. She's on a diabetic "honeymoon" right now, so she doesn't need insulin shots. She's doing fine with low-carb, high protein canned food, though I do have to test her blood glucose. Got a new meter yesterday, the Freestyle Flash. The thing is AWESOME. It requires 2/3rds less blood than the other meter, so instead of pricking her ear up to 8 times, we'll be able to get blood with just one or two pricks.

Know how I know how much blood it needs? I tested it on my husband and son last night. Bwahahahahahahaha!!!! I poked and poked and poked, and they didn't feel a thing! (By the way, I did this with their permission. They think it's fun to test their blood glucose.)

See? Plotless and topic-less. And clearly, I'm coffee-less.

Must go make some.

Y'all have a nice day!

Tuesday, June 28, 2005 @ 10:10 AM CST [link]

Paranoia

As Steph pointed out to me the other day, we writers are a paranoid lot. We think that when a chastizing post comes through an email list, it's aimed at us. We think when we see something snarky in a blog post, it's aimed at us.

So when I say that some writers just shouldn't put their pictures on their websites, are you going to think I'm talking about you? *g*

I'm probably not. (That makes you feel better, huh?)

And I'm not even talking about the pictures that are just...scary. Because there are those. The ones where you cringe and wonder what the writer was thinking when she put the picture on her website. I'm thinking more along the lines of "wow, she looks NOTHING like I imagined her."

It's sometimes disconcerting to read a novel and then visit the author's website and see that they look totally opposite of what you expected. Not that the picture thing affects my book-buying, or anything.

But as I'm reading, I sometimes still can't get the picture of the author out of my head.

And now I've made myself paranoid and will be searching for a new picture for my website--if I don't take it down altogether.

Monday, June 27, 2005 @ 10:03 AM CST [link]

Sunday Blog Quiz

You Are a Snarky Blogger!

You've got a razor sharp wit that bloggers are secretly scared of. And that's why they read your posts as often as they can!

*snorts* Yeah, people are sooooo afraid of my "razor sharp wit." Now, they might be afraid of the booger-flicking, throat-slashing, and spooge-catting, but razor sharp wit? I'm lucky if I can even string a proper sentence together in my blog most mornings.

Sunday, June 26, 2005 @ 10:18 AM CST [link]

Progress

Okay. Despite non-writing related obligations, catastrophes, and family life, I have managed to do a little work on Snowbound.

I now have 100 pages left to polish. And I have to completely rewrite the second scene in chapter one, which is a new thing.

See, one of the editor's comments was that it was suggested that the first three chapters could be condensed further to launch the reader more quickly into the story of the h/h. One way of doing this would be to cut back even more on the skiing. There's a general feeling that there is still too much ski detail, especially in chapter one.

So although I've done a lot of cutting, I'm worried that I didn't do enough. So I contacted "my" editor (Oh, I long for the day when "my" won't need quotes! *g*) with my concerns. I was actually thinking to suggest that I send the version I've got, along with another version that cuts the main ski scene out entirely. I have a sneaky suspicion that the other editors really want that scene gone. I, however, believe that it's important to the story, so cutting it would kill me.

Still, I don't want to screw this up, and I'm willing to give the editors two versions from which to choose.

Thankfully, "my" editor was on the same page, and she suggested that very thing. Yay!!! So although it means more work, I think it's the smart solution. I was terrified of sending the version *I* like and having them reject it because I STILL didn't cut enough (cutting back on the ski detail was something suggested in the first set of revisions, too, and apparently I didn't cut enough.)

So anyway, that's where I am right now. Hoping to polish 50 pages today, 50 tomorrow, and then rewrite chapter 1 on Monday. With a little luck, I can send on Wednesday or Thursday. Yay!!!!

Hope y'all have a nice weekend!!!

Saturday, June 25, 2005 @ 08:28 AM CST [link]

Writerly Illnesses

Let's chat about a common malady exclusive to writers. It's not Writer's Block, which is an illness in which a writer can't come up with any ideas. Or they can't think of anything to write. Or everything they write sounds like crap.

No, this other illness IS like crap. I hate it. It is...

Writer's Constipation.

And what is Writer's Constipation? It's when you take in to much information, you have too many things going on in your head, and suddenly, you are just so overwhelmed and clogged that you can't get anything out. You know what you need to do. But it hurts to do it, so you just don't want to.

There are a couple of strains of Writer's Constipation.

One strikes the newbie writer. When newbie writer first started, she probably wrote with a flow. The writing and story might not have been the best, but the voice was there. Then she learned...*insert scary music*...The Rules. *50's horror movie screams here, please*

Newbie writer now cranks out a story that stinks. It's stiff, and it's painful to her to write (yikes, I can't use the word "was!" Must get rid of the "thats!") as well as being painful for everyone to read. That's some serious Writer's Constipation, and it takes a long time to go away.

The second strain affects the more experienced writer. She has a bazillion ideas bouncing around, maybe outlined in various places or written out as partials. She has revisions, edits, deadlines, conferences, critiques, seminars...oh, and the pesky thing called a family life. The writing had previously gone fairly smoothly, but suddenly she's overloaded with information, overwhelmed with things to do, probably on one particular manuscript. She knows she has to start work, but doesn't know where to begin, and probably doesn't even want to begin. When she does start, nothing works. The words don't come easy. The pipes are clogged.

The writer strains, pushes herself to the point of pain. Sometimes, after an especially hard push, she is rewarded with a small plop of words. With luck, what follows will be a massive dump of words that will result in relief, and an easy flow after that.

But sometimes, said writer only gets a literary hemorrhoid for her efforts.

This biz is a pain in the butt sometimes.

Thursday, June 23, 2005 @ 09:20 AM CST [link]

The Light! I've Breached It!

Yayayayayayayayay!!!! I did it. I got my word count--with 14 words to spare!!!!

Now I have to smooth everything out. The stuff I've added to the story has added emotional depth, and I LOVE the changes. However, it's all a little...lumpy. Needs a writerly steamroller.

I'm just SO excited to have gotten this far with these revisions. At first, I was a a bit overwhelmed. After all the cutting, I realized I needed over almost 5K words to make the MINIMUM word count suggested by the editor, 59K. It was difficult. 5K fresh words on an unfinished ms. isn't a problem for me. 5K words on a finished, polished story is a little different. Each scene is so tied in with the one before and after it, that inserting new scenes was impossible. I was mostly left with expanding existing scenes. Though I did manage to create one brand new scene that was a continuation of the one preceeding it.

But now I've topped the 59K summit and am on my way back down. I'm pretty sure that I'll add another 200 or so words as I go through and smooth and polish, and that's even better.

Hoping to get this puppy out on Friday. Monday at the latest.

And let me just send a shout-out to Steph, who has read Snowbound about a thousand times to find places where I could add words, and who still volunteers to read it more (can you say "glutton for punishment?") And her suggestions were brilliant. She'll be published soon. You watch.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005 @ 09:15 AM CST [link]

There Is A Light...

731 words to go. 7. 3. 1. Not bad. Except these are the hardest, since I've pretty much filled up every spot that could possibly take more words.

But what's cool is that none of the 4500 words I needed to add have been fluff or padding. (At least, I don't think so.) The added words have added depth to the story, and I'm really pleased. Of course, I'm still not sure I've cut enough of what the editors wanted, but I did cut a LOT, and I think it works. Then again, I thought it worked before.

It's really, really strange working by word count and NOT page count/word estimate. I'd have been done a LONG time ago, had I been working with the page count. For example, Temptations are supposed to be 60k. So by properly formatted page count, I'd need 240 pages. Right now, because I'm working with ACTUAL computer word count, I have 260.

BUT...because I'm sending to England, and because M&B uses actual word count, I don't have to use the standard page format. I can change the font to TNR and cut around 40 pages, which will make a huge difference in postage costs. Yay!

Okay, back to finding ways to insert 731 actual words of non-padding while repeating to self: There is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is a light....

Monday, June 20, 2005 @ 09:48 AM CST [link]

Sunday Quiz

Because I need to be working on revisions (I'm down to needing 1956 words) and because I have a NASCAR race on today, as well as needing to do Father's day stuff like prepare a special barbecue and dessert, I'm doing the old quiz standby today.

Oh, and I broke down and went to the store yesterday and bought COFFEE!!!! Lovely, lovely coffee. My body and brain thanks me.

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

Painstaking and fussy???? Hmph.

Sunday, June 19, 2005 @ 09:42 AM CST [link]

Revision Hell Visual

I needed to organize my hell. And it's fun to play with the hell generator. Any excuse to play...

Saturday, June 18, 2005 @ 09:16 AM CST [link]

Need. Coffee. Now

I have blog guilt for not posting yesterday. My husband was rear-ended in his new Jeep. My air conditioner is broke--again. I'm out of coffee. Barely coherent.

I can probably complain more, but that would take effort, and in this heat, I just can't muster up the strength, seeing how I'm using one hand to type and one to wipe the rivers of sweat running down my face.

Seems strange that I'd want coffee. Iced coffee would be even better. Except I don't have coffee. And the ice would melt instantly in this inferno.

Did I mention it's HOT??????

Must get back to revisions now. I only have 3000 words to add! *laughs hysterically*

Need. Coffee.

Friday, June 17, 2005 @ 09:18 AM CST [link]

HELP!

Shannon had a good idea, so I'm going to pimp for help.

See, I need to "generalise" some of my English in my revisions to Snowbound. So if you have any ideas for the following terms, or if you are from anyplace but North America and know what would work, PLEASE tell me.

I'll love you forever. (Heck of an incentive, huh? )

Here are some of the words I need help with:

1. Girl Scouts

2. Ski bum

3. Snow bunny

4. Cougar (divorcees who hang out at resorts to snag rich men)

5. Prom (I've used Shannon's suggestion of "formal dance" so far)

6. Does "knock boots" translate?

Okay, that's all I can think of right now. Must. Make. Revision. Hell. Visual.

Thanks ahead of time for any suggestions!!!!!

Wednesday, June 15, 2005 @ 08:57 AM CST [link]

Entering Revision Hell

Oooh, I need to make a revision hell visual...

Well, I'm finally back up and running. We had a good visit with my SIL, but as look would have it, she came at the same time as Tropical Storm Arlene. So we spent a good portion of the visit preparing for a possible hurricane. Arlene struck slightly to our east, which sucked, because if I'm going to have to have bad weather and if I'm going to have to spend days preparing, I want a good storm, dammit.

We still got lots of rain and wind, but really, we've had worse thunderstorms than what we got from Arlene. But hey, there are still several months of hurricane season left.

So anyway, I'm diving into revisions now. I hope to have them done by this weekend. Some of them are turning out to be a lot easier than I thought they would be, so this may not take as long as I'd planned for.

The big ones:

Change the setting from a small resort town setting to a larger and more glamorous ski resort along the lines of Aspen.

Condense first three chapters to get rid of so much ski detail.

Change some of the blatant Americanisms and replace them with more generalized English. Heh. The problem here is that in some cases, I have no idea if what I wrote translates to overseas audiences. I mean, do people overseas have high school proms?

Must get back to revisions now. I'll do a little blog-hopping, but it'll probably take a couple of days to catch up. Hope y'all (blatant Americanism) had a wonderful weekend!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005 @ 08:57 AM CST [link]

Snowbound! Again!

I take the long walk to the mailbox (which is always terrifying when you have manuscripts out,) and inside...a large package from Mills and Boon, who had the revised full of Snowbound. My heart dropped to my stomach. OMG. They sent back the full. Which could only mean a rejection. I was in tears before I hit the front door.

So I put the package down and stare at it, afraid to open it. Should I just toss it in the trash unopened? Should I open a corner of the envelope and peek inside? Should I just stare at it for a few days? Finally, I decided on the "bandage" method. Rip the puppy open and get the pain over with.

I open. Inside is a three-page letter. I'm thinking that they are really kind after rejecting you on a revised full.

Then I start reading. Apparently, the manuscript was passed around. Feedback was good. The changes I made worked, and the story is stronger.

But...

There are still a few areas that need some attention. And the manuscript is still under consideration, so would I please make the changes and send back ASAP?

OMG! And to top it off, the manuscript is completely line-edited! It takes a while to sink in, but I finally realize that I. Have. Line edits!

So yeah, I have a few big things to fix, but most of the work is line-edit stuff. I'm pretty freaked out. I mean, I HAVE to get it right this time, or game over.

I have company coming tomorrow, so I won't have a chance to work on any of it until Tuesday, but that'll give me time to think. I've already done 99% of the line edits, so now it's just bigger stuff.

Wish me luck and send me prayers, please, because I need it!!!!

(Also, I'll be at the computer intermittently over the next few days, but I don't think I'll have time for blog posts, so I'll see ya Tuesday!)

Wednesday, June 08, 2005 @ 08:38 AM CST [link]

Meme-ory Lane

Normally I hate these things, but strolls down memory lane are kinda nice. Thanks, ma'am!

Rules are:

Remove the #1 item from the following list, bump everyone up one place and add your blog's name in the #5 spot. You need to... actually link to each of the blogs for the link-whorage aspect of this fiendish meme-age to kick in.

1. third world country
2. BTW
3. Soliloquy
4. Joely Sue Burkhart
5. Larissa Ione

Next, select four unsuspecting victims, list and link to them. (I tried to victimize those who had victimized me in the past, but if I forgot someone or accidentally victimized someone innocent, I do apologize.)

1. Steph Tyler
2. Jordan Summers
3. Michelle Willingham
4. Teresa Harrison

Now the subject of "This Detestable Meme" is Five Things I Miss From My Childhood:

1. Summers with my grandparents. Every summer I took a trip from the rinky-dink town of Lebanon, Oregon, to the hot, dusty, ranch land of Pendleton, Oregon, where I would spend the summer with my mom's parents. They had a routine--every morning we'd go to a local diner for coffee (hot cocoa for me) and butterhorns. Then back home where I'd bake with grandma, or help out in the yard, or just sit around and read. Then, every afternoon, it was back to the diner for another cup of coffee. Then home for dinner, then the rest of the evening on the back porch with drinks to watch the hummingbirds. We'd also take their motor home and go camping for a week or two. I SO miss that.

2. Living on the farm. It was a lot of work, but I loved the animals, and I loved living so far from civilization. It was quiet, cool (lots of trees) and had lots of beautiful scenery.

3. Riding horses. I miss horses so much. I can't wait until my husband retires, because we WILL have horses.

4. Candy. When I was a kid, I loved candy. For some reason, it just doesn't appeal to me anymore.

5. Atari. I miss thinking Atari games were cool.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005 @ 09:33 AM CST [link]

Sexy Fantasy/Sexy Reality

Ahh, the sexy men of romance. They are masculine cops, soldiers, firefighters, knights. They are confident executives, doctors, sports stars. They are cocky cowboys, spies, rogues. They are dignified vampires, princes, ghosts.

And they all seduce the heroines with one thing in common; the author's skill.

Heroes of romance are fantasy men. They know the right thing to say. They know the right thing to do. They are fearless yet vulnerable. They know exactly how to touch the heroine to make her heart go crazy, and even if they are a little awkward, it's sweet--which is sexy.

Because the author knows exactly what she's doing, she creates a man who seduces the heroine as much with his mind as with his physical attributes. And if he helps out the heroine with cooking and cleaning and folding laundry, so much the better. We want him.

==screeching halt==

Heroes who cook and clean and fold laundry??? Yeah, probably not so sexy. At least, not in a book. Which isn't to say that there haven't been some sexy novel heroes who were cooks or dry cleaners. But chances are the heroine didn't fall in love with the dry cleaner hero because he presses shirts with just the right touch of starch.

In romance novels, sexual tension is key. Books build up to sexual encounters and emotional fulfillment. The buildup takes place over several pages, which sometimes amounts to only a couple of hours of story time. And in real life, when you are dating, the buildup of sexual tension is delicious.

Then you get married, have a few kids, and suddenly, where is the buildup? You go through your day knowing that at night there might be a little hanky-panky, but is there a buildup? Often, no. Why? Because men don't realize that folding laundry and cleaning toilets is sexy. We might not see it often in romance novels, but there it is.

Foreplay, as Oprah once said, is an all-day thing. What does a woman who is married and ragged from chasing the kids all day want? She doesn't want her butt pinched and her boobs grabbed as DH walks past. She wants him to say, "Sit down for a minute. Let me fold the laundry for you." Guys, I'll let you in on a little secret; do that, and you're getting some that night. Yep. Offer to vacuum and give her a little wink as you Hoover on past, and you've won her heart. Subtle brushes and pats as you walk past are MUCH more effective than grabbing her tired ass. Men SO don't get this.

We won't see much of this in romance novels, maybe because romances tend to focus on the "getting to know you" phase, when doing laundry isn't as sexy. But in real life, doing laundry is hot. And I'll bet some talented author can make doing laundry hot, too. Ah, the possibilites of the spin cycle...

Guys, we don't need you to save us from a burning building or take us out to a fantasy dinner on your gold-plated yacht in order in order to be seduced. We are happy if you play with your kids and help us with the dishes. Little things here and there go a LONG way.

I suppose that is the draw of the "sweeter" romance lines. They tend to focus more on home and family than other romances, but the thing is, BECAUSE they focus on that, they are just as much fantasy as romances that are less focused on home and family. In the sweeter romances, we read about guys who play with kids and who help out around the house.

I never really understood the draw of sweeter romances until a friend who reads them explained, "It's because I can lose myself in a story where the men are helpful and sweet. Then, when I put down the book, it's back to my husband whom I love, but who is glued to the television and wouldn't notice the pile of dishes in the sink if they were covered with flies."

Kinda cracks me up that no matter what kind of romance we're talking about--action-y milroms, sexy erotic romance, heart-pounding medical romances, or homey traditional romances--we're still talking fantasy.

Monday, June 06, 2005 @ 07:23 AM CST [link]

Reading Hell

I have a bazillion books in my TBR pile, and I also have boxes full of books a friend sent me. She tends to like "sweeter" stories, which I'm not fond of, so I knew I'd be donating a good 3/4ths of them to Goodwill.

Anyway, I sat down last night and started sorting. Most were sweet as I expected, but I figured that I'd try any that looked like they had decent plots. I ended up keeping several. Then I looked at what I'd discarded, and I noticed a theme. I noticed that most contained plot devices or content that makes me shudder. My personal reading Hell.

And since I love the little hell generator, I decided to make my own reading hell visual, keeping in mind that I HAVE read books containing said devices and content and liked them:

What would yours look like?

Sunday, June 05, 2005 @ 10:23 AM CST [link]

The Kid Factor

I LOVE Maili's post at RTB today. I really can't add anything except to clap. I can't stand children in romances.

Okay, before you come running at me with fiery pitchforks, let me just say that I'm sure there are some great romances out there that feature children. And I'm not saying that I might not actually find one that I like. But up to this point? Not so much.

Even one of my favorite authors, a woman who can make the most ridiculous plot into something great, Susan Elizabeth Phillips, annoyed me with one of her romance children. Anyone familiar with Dream A Little Dream? I like that story. The heroine was great. The hero was so tortured that I wanted to slap him, but I still loved him. The heroine's kid? Spoiled rotten little brat who deserved a spanking, and when the hero swatted him on the butt, I clapped. Naturally, the heroine flipped out, despite the fact that SHE was the one responsible for making the kid a spoiled rotten, coddled little brat.

I detested that kid. But I still enjoyed that particular book. And I'm glad I pushed through the first few pages where it was obvious that the kid was going to play a large role (normally I'd toss a book where a kid is prominent in the beginning,) but I trusted SEP to make me care enough about the characters and the story to put up with the kid.

So yeah, I enjoyed the story. But for the most part, if I see a romance that looks like a kid may play any role, I tend to skip over that title and move on to the next. For me, kids are definitely romance killers.

Good job, Maili!

Saturday, June 04, 2005 @ 10:06 AM CST [link]

RANTS!!!!!!!!

I had a perfectly good rant to, uh, rant about today. Well, I had a couple of rants all planned out. Fangirls. (Authors, call off your attack/lap dogs.) Contest judges. (Get your nose out of the how-to books and actually write something before judging. K?)

But I'm going to hold off for two reasons. A) I'm too miffed to write anything coherent. And B) There are SO many rants and explosions going in in the blog world that I just can't waste anyone's time with my piddly rants. So I'm going to direct you to places you may or may not have been.

For an interesting look at one of Amazon's promotional packages, check out Ellen Fisher's commentary.

For rants, blowups, and discussions regarding RWA's most recent moves to alienate, oh, everyone, check out Holly Lisle, Alison Kent, Jo Leigh, Smart Bitches, Jordan Summers, and Kate Rothwell.

For a rant about erotic romance, check out Jaci Burton.

Meljean Brook has a fun rant on romance novel "formulas."

And last but not least, PBW has a rant that's not really a rant, but an alternative to the RWA rant. Love that one!

Friday, June 03, 2005 @ 09:24 AM CST [link]

May Search Phrases

Amazingly enough, this month wasn't TOO weird. Sure, there were the usuals; chupacabras, how do I slit someone's throat, do dogs attract lightning, etc., but for the most part, the psychos stayed away...

Looking for me or someone named Larissa:

little larissa
larissa breast
larissa`s legs and feet
blogs de larissa
larissa naughty
larissa she male
greek sexy larissa
does anyone keep getting a virus with larissa appearing when you start your computer up? (My husband complains about this...)

Looking for someone else:

naughty at home kacey
laurell hamilton pseudonym
lacey alexander pseudonym
diana peterfreund
anna genoese long response
kate duffy
alison kent mica award
helenkay blog

General weirdness and not-so-weirdness:

handjob zombie romance (um...is this a new sub-genre?)
bad romance novel excerpt (Gee, glad that query brought you here...)
judges suck (Yes, they do)
throat sucker (I don't want to know)
sick and disturbing videos (And you're looking for these things...why?)
did rose die at the end of titanic (I think she did)
side effect of lampe berger (A lovely scent that wafts through your house)
woman on the toilet (get a normal fetish, freak)
strange but true one in the eye for all those homer-phobes (So there, all you people who are afraid of The Simpsons!)
counting pesetas in madrid (huh?)
what sylvia browne says of scott peterson (when you find out, could you tell me?)
day after tomorrow stupid unscientific problems (*gasp* Day After Tomorrow...stupid??? And unscientific? *shakes head* Dude, that film was a model of plotting genius. )
naughty leos
eat garlic without stinking (if you find out, tell my husband)
how to hide needle tracks (Er, here's a thought; stop doing drugs!)
squished testicles
fried grasshopper legs (This one's for Steph)
midget stripper denver (maybe you could share a bus to denver with the toilet fetish person?)
rate my cameltoe
real woman inserting a tampon (Yeah, they're loading the bus now)
did fantasia barrino get her teeth fixed
what famous actors shave their scrotums (OMG. Is there a database somewhere?)
my cameltoe
being a bridesmaid sucks (Yes, it does)


Animals:

cats cleaner than humans
shrew babies
is a dog s mouth cleaner than a cats (Yes. There's a reason vets call cat saliva "cat venom")
cats that die slowly
cat peed on me (sadly, I can relate)
what do cats do outside in thunderstorms? (same thing as you! Run for cover)
cockapoo blogs (they can blog?)

Winner of the most freaky search query:

cannibals do enjoy toes and feet

Thursday, June 02, 2005 @ 09:34 AM CST [link]

Cheat!

I was going to post my May search queries today, but I forgot that I have to be at Keesler AFB at nine this morning, so I have to cheat. Thanks to Emma:

Wednesday, June 01, 2005 @ 07:14 AM CST [link]