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07/20/2005: "Hurricane Preparations"
This came to me as an email, and it was too good not to share, since I still drool and tremble at the mere mention of "evacuation."
To ex, present, and future Gulf Coast residents:
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weatherman pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
1. There is no need to panic
2. We could all be killed
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be on the Gulf Coast.
If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "The Big One." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three step hurricane preparedness plan:
1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
2. Put these supplies in your car
3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here on the Gulf Coast. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HURRICANE INSURANCE
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, provided that your home meets two basic requirements:
1. It is reasonably well-built
2. It is located in Nebraska
Unfortunately, if your home is located on the Gulf Coast, or any other area that could actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance. So, you'll have to scrounge for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Georges, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, upon demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, doors, and if it's a major hurricane, the toilets. There are several types of shutters, all with advantages and disadvantages:
· Plywood shutters: Advantage is that because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
· Sheet metal shutters: These work well, once you get them all up. But, once you get them up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps that will not heal until December
· Roll Down Shutters: The cream of the crop in shutters, they are very easy to use and will definitely last. Sadly, you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
HURRICANE PROOF WINDOWS
These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane force winds. You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like BBQ grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these into the swimming pool. If you don't have one, get one installed immediately. Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these
objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE
If you live in a low lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine if you live in a low lying area, look at your driver's license. If the address says Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, or Louisiana, you live in a low-lying area. The purpose of an evacuation route is quite simple. It is to avoid being trapped in your home when the storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several hundred miles from your home, along with 200,000 other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be alone.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES
If you don't evacuate, you will need supplies. Do not buy them now! Gulf Coast tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last bottle of water.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following:
· 23 flashlights
· at least $156 worth of batteries that turn out to be the wrong size for when the power goes off
· Bleach (i don't know what for. Nobody seems to know what for. But, its traditional, so get some)
· a buggy full of deodorant
· a large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators (ask anyone who went thru Camille or Audrey, there will be irate alligators)
· $35,000 worth of cash or diamonds so that you can buy a generator after the storm has passed from some man with no discernable teeth
These are all, of course, just basic precautions.
As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important to keep abreast of the situation by turning on the TV and watching reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the gulf and tell you over and over and over how important it is for everyone to stay away from the gulf.
The last item you will need, but definitely not the least, is alcohol. This is the most important item. Make sure you have enough to last from June-November. This is necessary for escape when you are stuck with relatives. But, remember, after season is over, you will need to restock for the holidays.
(Given the choice, however, I'd rather not deal with either!)
Too funny!
