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06/29/2005: "Out of the Woodwork They Crawl..."

Judging by search engine phrases, all kinds of crazies visit my website. Usually they don't send me messages, however. But last night, I got my very first email from one of the more...interesting people who come to my website! In celebration, I shall share with you:

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Name: Bob McKenzie

Email: Robthemillwright@aol.com

Comments: You are an idiot You are a lesbian and a man hater............You are one crazy human being
You are very sick. I wish you well and hope you get help soon.

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First of all, Bob, I might be an idiot, but I do understand the basics of punctuation. Periods, Bob. Periods. Use them after sentences like "You are an idiot," and "You are one crazy human being." (And just use one. Not sure what the ............ thing is all about. If you were going for an ellipsis, you would use three periods...like that.)

Second, how do you know I'm a lesbian and a man-hater? Clearly, you haven't read any of my blog posts, because if you had, you'd know that I write hero-centric romance. I don't know how many times I've made it clear that romance, to me, is ALL ABOUT THE MAN. I read and write romances because I like men. So I'm not sure on what you are basing this lesbian/man-hating thing.

Unless...are you psychic? (See how an ellipsis is used, Bob?) Because the fact that I'm a lesbian man-hater is a news to me. A total shock. I mean, you'd think I would know. But just to make sure, I asked my husband of ten years. He wasn't aware that I am a lesbian and man-hater, either.

Oh, and Bob, you really need to get out in the real world more. Just because someone is a lesbian doesn't mean they hate men. Mostly, they only hate men like you. And let me assure you that hating men like you isn't exclusive to lesbians.

Third, I'm thinking that perhaps you should be careful who you call crazy. Glass houses and all that.

Fourth, I think maybe you ARE psychic. Because I AM sick. I have a sore throat, headache, and neck pain. So thanks for the well-wishes. I'm sure I'll be better soon.

Fifth, I have to admit, your well-wishes do seem to be a little...insincere. See, if you truly wish someone well, the polite thing to do is NOT insult them first. Your whole email is contradictory. (Look up "contradictory" if you aren't sure what it means.)

Next time, either insult the person flat-out, or offer constructive comments. Don't make yourself look stupid by "wishing them well," after insulting them. Because really, you just come off as wishy-washy.

For example, you could write this:

"You are an idiot. (Don't forget the period.) You are a lesbian and a man hater. You are one crazy human being. You are very sick. I hope you burn in hell."

See? Much, much more effective than ending on "I wish you well."

Or:

"I noticed that you are slightly...mentally challenged. And from your web content and various blog entries, I'd guess that you lean a little toward loving women too much. Perhaps you aren't fond of men? I'm sorry that you are sick, and I'd like to recommend help for you. Below I'll list links that you may find useful."

Then list the links.

Anyway, thanks for the note, Bob.

Replies: 18 brave souls responded

on Wednesday, June 29th, Jill said

Yeah, those kinds of letters are fun, aren't they? I got an email once calling me a slut for writing books where I used the word damn. Yeah, out of all the words I use say in a Brava, damn was the one she objected to? LOL ...

on Wednesday, June 29th, Amy said

So nice of him to take the time to write.

on Wednesday, June 29th, Michelle said

LOL! Too funny. Thanks for the laugh.

Did you mail yet? Didja, didja?

on Wednesday, June 29th, Silma said

Why do people waste their time writing letters like that? Hmm....

on Wednesday, June 29th, Tori said

ROFL! Too, too funny!

on Wednesday, June 29th, Jordan said

Some people truly have too much time on their hands.

on Wednesday, June 29th, Danica said

LMAO! You're definitely handling this with more grace than I would have.

on Wednesday, June 29th, jaq said

WTF?

on Wednesday, June 29th, Lynn Daniels said

You are too funny, Larissa. And that e-mail from Bob is just...sad. Maybe he just got dumped and decided to take it out on you. Who knows? Bet he didn't expect to be providing entertainment, though.

on Wednesday, June 29th, Teresa said

LOL Larissa. Bob is most definately the type of guy that will NEVER be the Hero of a novel. Some people actually believe they have the right to act like total moron's and be accepted by society.

on Thursday, June 30th, Sasha said

Great retoryt. Can I write to you when I need help skewering people?

We don't care if you're crazy...We love you anyway!

on Thursday, June 30th, Linda said

ROFL. Wonderful reply. :-)

on Thursday, June 30th, Caro said

You have to wonder what rock some of these people crawled out from under, don't you? Good response, though I think, given his spelling, you might have used some words that will cause his brain to lock up because they're beyond his ken.

on Thursday, June 30th, Larissa said

Hey, guys, sorry I haven't been responding to your comments--I've had a cat emergency going on. I'm NEVER saying that my cat is doing well again. I'm right now getting ready to take her back to the vet for the second morning in a row.

Michelle, with any luck, I'm mailing SB today!

on Thursday, June 30th, Jill said

Aw, poor kitty! Hugs.

on Thursday, June 30th, Beth C said

Wow, that's just... wow.

on Friday, July 1st, Teresa said

Damn, Larissa - that sucks. Let us know how Geordie is when you have a chance.

on Friday, July 1st, Emily said

Wait a sec...I just noticed his name was Bob Mackenzie? Does he have a brother Doug? As in Strange Brew, eh?

At least he didn't call you a 'hoser.'